Today I'd like to talk about what kind of person I am, and how I feel it has affected me during this period of time. Let's go back in time to me when I was different. In the past, I never had trouble letting go. Sure, being emotional and all, I still cried when things didn't go my way and I still got hurt. I sometimes find myself tracing back to my past and realising that there were many instances in my life when I got bullied as a kid that made me become stronger and helped me to move on easier. Needless to say, guess God didn't plan for me to stay this way. Much later in my life I begin to realise it wasn't right for me to give up on people this easy. Sure, I might take huge risks of getting hurt but if I keep pushing people away, I hurt them and I risk never knowing how much more I can be loved. I guess I gave God my heart and from then on I started growing up and the strong fronts started crashing down. Made myself vulnerable to people's hurts but the joy of being with people who care about me and want nothing but the best of me really made every hurt worthwhile.
Commercial ends. And that's what you missed on nielle's. hahaha. back to what I've been struggling with.
Incase most of you guys don't know, I recently got through a fall out and I can't state what kind. But you know those irritating people who just won't believe everything is over no matter how hopeless it seems and making the fall out even worse? I feel like that person I guess. Ever since recently, I feel like I have stupidly programmed myself to think that nothing cannot be saved. Even when everything seems dead, I'm that useless soul searching searching searching for some life in a depressingly destroyed hopeless ground. (I am Wall-E lol. i love Wall-E…) I am that one soul that feels like somehow I have to keep trying till I find something or die trying. It's how I've always felt when I lose something or someone important I feel I shouldn't have lost. Why do I always do this, I don't know.
Okay okay, maybe I'm exaggerating on how much I hold on to things. But in some things I'm just so sure I can still find something I just...
Is it because I see some form of hope? Or maybe I'm just living in self-denial? Sometimes this is what hurts my heart. Watching myself just cuz cannot bear to accept something I don't believe in. When people I love hurt me, I take it because they've saw things about me that they didn't like. If I honestly loved the person, I guess my first instinct is to see where I can change. See this? Isn't this a sign of either seeing hope no one can see or self denial?
Sometimes I wish I could be who I was before. Back then, I gave up quickly to avoid hurt. I guess it's just silly little moments when you wish that if everyone kept giving up on you, maybe you could be the person to shield yourself from all hurt and pains.
Last night I made a decision that even though I still look into people and struggle in my heart to not defend their mistakes with sorry examples, I have decided that I will continue to love people because of who they are even if they have hurt me. I will stop fighting myself saying "People are bad and you can't trust anyone." and telling myself "You have to see all the negative things you've done so you would give up on them." I just told myself that I would embrace the fact that I never want to be someone whose given up on somebody else. I can be hurt, cheated on and even broken by. But I believe in my heart everyone has a heart themselves too. I will respect their decisions and continue to pray for them. I would still open the door if they ever needed my help but I will not see them as people who have hurt me anymore.
"One day, I really hope God will help me find someone who could fight this battle with me. Because it gets tiring waiting for people who would probably never come back. Would be nice to have someone who could stop giving up on me and fight next to me to remind me that I don't have to be afraid that I'll be given up on. For now, I go to God for comfort and shelter. He's helping me grow and I know He has a plan for me…"
I remind myself of the decision I made yesterday. I will struggle in future but I will make reminders again of being someone who loves selflessly. I want to stay true to myself.
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