Desensitise

Somedays,

I get so sick and tired of worrying about other people's feelings getting hurt.

Because in the process,

I end up getting mine hurt.



So I get upset and try to reconcile the feelings.

I get upset with myself first, like my very own guard trying to line up my feelings

All these just to make sure I don't end up being an asshole to others.

Doesn't matter that all I did was skip a step straight to beating and bruising myself.

(Even though deep down, I just wanna throw some 'fuck yous' and ditch my moral compasses and obsessive 'compassion' impulsions.)

These wretched feelings.


They don't last long. But even for a second, I wonder.

Wow, it's really hard being a good person, can I just give up?

Would that make me a bad person?

Strong, but not strong enough

For as long as I can remember, I've been caught up.

Caught up in the motion of retracing my steps, 

Second-thinking decisions to be made, 

Second-thinking decisions that are already made
- trying what I feel to be my best with people.

And life. Trying what I feel to be my best with life.

For as long as I can remember, I've been what they call 'the stronger' peer.

My friends say it like it's a good thing. But it always comes out wrong.
"Oh, but you're...well... strong/stronger."
I can tell when people like that only say things that sound like a compliment on the surface.

But it has a strange ring, it felt more like a way to call someone 'tough' and '...hardy'.
Is that a good thing? It confused me.

"Compared to what?" I'd ask.

There's never an answer after that.

I find out my own answers now - at a state of tiredness where I'm broken down and burnt out. 

I find out what they mean by strong and tough and firm and ...brave.

It's their answer when you're faced with opposition.
When you're faced with opposition, they're almost certain you'll conquer it somehow.
They mean you'll probably work it out somehow, and they don't have to worry about you.

They mean that it's more 'okay' when they aren't there for you.

And sometimes, it almost sounds like they mean that you were almost intended for such conflicts.

Confrontation and hardships that they'd never ever wish upon those weak and meeker ones.

I try to battle with these perspectives and I find out that strength is an illusion.
An illusion that people see, an illusion that I can manipulate as will-power.

I also find out now that I'm stronger than I was before.
Stronger than ever.

But I can still hear it: I'm strong, but not strong enough.
It's a painful truth that rings in my bones -

That no matter my best,

I am strong.
But not strong enough.