Desensitise

Somedays,

I get so sick and tired of worrying about other people's feelings getting hurt.

Because in the process,

I end up getting mine hurt.



So I get upset and try to reconcile the feelings.

I get upset with myself first, like my very own guard trying to line up my feelings

All these just to make sure I don't end up being an asshole to others.

Doesn't matter that all I did was skip a step straight to beating and bruising myself.

(Even though deep down, I just wanna throw some 'fuck yous' and ditch my moral compasses and obsessive 'compassion' impulsions.)

These wretched feelings.


They don't last long. But even for a second, I wonder.

Wow, it's really hard being a good person, can I just give up?

Would that make me a bad person?

Strong, but not strong enough

For as long as I can remember, I've been caught up.

Caught up in the motion of retracing my steps, 

Second-thinking decisions to be made, 

Second-thinking decisions that are already made
- trying what I feel to be my best with people.

And life. Trying what I feel to be my best with life.

For as long as I can remember, I've been what they call 'the stronger' peer.

My friends say it like it's a good thing. But it always comes out wrong.
"Oh, but you're...well... strong/stronger."
I can tell when people like that only say things that sound like a compliment on the surface.

But it has a strange ring, it felt more like a way to call someone 'tough' and '...hardy'.
Is that a good thing? It confused me.

"Compared to what?" I'd ask.

There's never an answer after that.

I find out my own answers now - at a state of tiredness where I'm broken down and burnt out. 

I find out what they mean by strong and tough and firm and ...brave.

It's their answer when you're faced with opposition.
When you're faced with opposition, they're almost certain you'll conquer it somehow.
They mean you'll probably work it out somehow, and they don't have to worry about you.

They mean that it's more 'okay' when they aren't there for you.

And sometimes, it almost sounds like they mean that you were almost intended for such conflicts.

Confrontation and hardships that they'd never ever wish upon those weak and meeker ones.

I try to battle with these perspectives and I find out that strength is an illusion.
An illusion that people see, an illusion that I can manipulate as will-power.

I also find out now that I'm stronger than I was before.
Stronger than ever.

But I can still hear it: I'm strong, but not strong enough.
It's a painful truth that rings in my bones -

That no matter my best,

I am strong.
But not strong enough.

Touch The Sky*

As I lie down and 'youtube's recommended music' plays,

'Touch the Sky' by Hillsong comes into my playlist.

I have no idea how. But somehow it does. 

Suddenly, I know why it's everyone's favourite song.

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I imagine boring through my ceiling.

Reaching out to touch stars. 

I am short, my hands are not long.

I am small, my world is tiny. 

But all I've want is to touch Your stars with my hands.

Something sweeps me up,

I see you lift me.

Suddenly, I am high. 

Higher than I'd have ever reached

in all of eternity.

And no one can explain how it is,

simply because no one can understand how it feels.

I am flying, no one believes it.

I am soaring, they think it's the air I've breathed.

Someone told me that I was just lucky.

Brushed arm to arm with power.

They didn't know the bruises were on my knees,

blessed with the aches in my arms that I've held up.

The purest form of surrender is to Love.

Because Love gives us hope and not control.

Love grants us peace with madness and serenity in a lack of tranquility.

I think... Love is the world's greatest solution.

What a genius idea, what a brilliant plan.

That You'd save, the way You've create.

Instead of jumping, I've resorted to kneeling.

I give up, only to let You in.

I have begun thinking that Love...

Love is the most amazing thing of it all.

Because Love held me in its arms.

The way You promised to never let me go.

"And now these three remain: Faith, Hope and Love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:13

Date Someone Who...*

Date someone who will love you.
More than just for a moment.
Because everything about you, someone will love.
I know it might be harder to see, but you're worth more than just a 'in that moment'.

Date someone who will respect you.
Who doesn't put down your ideas.
For even the stupidest thought, speaks of who you are.
Who takes time to marvel at the things you do.
For those who know how to respect, know how to appreciate.

Date someone who waits.
We all know, finding someone isn't going to be easy.
But the hardest part is patiently holding on to what is found.
Patience in love, patience in hurt.
Patience is the steady heartbeat of love.

Date someone who is kind.
For how he treats his father and his mother,
he will treat his sons and daughters.
You will learn to love the softness of his voice and the sound of kindness.
And because he loves you, maybe, just maybe, you might start being kinder to you.

Date someone who laughs.
Lets face it, life isn't always funny.
But a beautiful love story is smiles -
Exchanged over a lifetime.
Blessed is the one who brings joy and content to his loved ones.

Date someone who is willing to strike the ultimate deal with you: His heart for yours. ♡

Waves*

I am a crashing wave going back and forth.
Every time I hit the shore, I feel like this is it.
Like there and then I will hit the hard sand and dissipate.
I will splatter all over and land everywhere.
With every piece of me falling in between cracks and holes in the very sand I hit.

I am a crashing wave tossing and turning.
Seems to me no one understands
That hitting tiny rocks and pebbles could be painfully satisfying.
No, not like a mad physical sadistic drive.
Rather, melancholically.
Pain is temporary, with the control of lasting-time.

You are a ripple on a water body, you see the cove.
Sooner or later, you know what's coming next.
You anticipate, you wait.
It's not enough and you are caught in heavy suspense.
High tension-ed, gaining speed, losing control.

Maybe you've hit the dry compacted sand before.
Maybe you've already known what it feels like to lose control.
Maybe you've already left your marks.

Yet here you are again and suddenly it's like your first time.
It's inevitable because it could possibly
Be the only way to move on. (You've never known another)
So you just want to get it over and done with.
Suddenly, you wish for it to hit you faster.
When it does, it isn't as painful as before.

No, not compared to your imaginations during suspense.
It becomes painfully gratifying?
Maybe.

I am a crashing wave.
In many sense, I know what's coming next.
In some ways, it is a way of life.

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Loving reminders*

We all need a little love and reminder sometimes
When we lose the hope that used to be our light.

We all need a little bit of shoulder at times
When we can't hold ourselves by own mights.

We all need little pick-me-up dimes
When our smiles wouldn't stay upright

We all need a little love and reminder sometimes
That a bad day wouldn't mean no way


That a bad day might mean oh-...kay
Oh-...alright.


We all need a little loving reminder sometimes
When we lose the hope in the form of light.


We all need loving reminders of love.
Because love is all anyone wished they deserved.
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"What if I fall and can't get back up...?"

The irony of beautiful sad

She sits in silence

With the sirens in her head.

Her footsteps timeless

With the counting of the dead

Her hands feel cold

All her tears have seemed to take the heat away.

This emptiness inside us

The abundance we don't say

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Her vision know no colours

While her soul creates hues and lines.

Her body shaking for hours.

Because her heart won't beat in time.

Her eyes have lost their shine

To the stars in her mind. 

The path of darkness

Hits the brightest souls in time.

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